Nervous...but I need input

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Nervous...but I need input

Postby GenesisPhreak » Tue Jul 08, 2008 8:06 am

I have been composing in the studio recently and have come out with a very very incomplete rough draft of one of my songs, but I would like some input (constructive) from some fellow aca-geeks. Im trying to branch out in a new direction and try somthing diffrent than whats already out there, something honest and from the heart. Thanks in advance.
The song "She gave me my name" can be heard on facebook on my artist page. Just look up "Ahren". Again keep in mind its by no means even close to being done, its still the composition edit, not the real one yet.
Thanks again,
Ahren

AhrenMOkamoto at aol dot com
Ahren Okamoto

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Postby GenesisPhreak » Fri Jul 11, 2008 9:44 am

nothin huh?
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Postby mcbc » Sat Jul 12, 2008 6:42 am

Silly rhetorical question: why don't you post the link here? Even if it's just a FB link, it's a lot easier for the lazies here.
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Postby sahjahpah » Sat Jul 12, 2008 9:14 am

fwiw, i listened but don't really feel qualified to critique it.
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Postby GenesisPhreak » Sat Jul 12, 2008 9:32 pm

Ahren Okamoto

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Postby GenesisPhreak » Sun Jul 13, 2008 10:44 pm

ok, i realize the subject matter is a little, lets say, strong, but lets just look beyond that. The structure so far, backrounds, anything?
Ahren Okamoto

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Postby Jesus » Mon Jul 14, 2008 5:44 am

Overall, I really like where the song's going. That may, of course, be affected by the fact that I like a lot of what you list as your musical influences and can hear their influence in your composition.

As far as some constructive response, I've got a few ideas. For one thing, as the song develops it may be beneficial to think real hard about the melody throughout the song. It's not particularly grabbing during the verses, I think. While pleasant and melodic are obviously not your goal, it should still fit with the backgrounds and content, and I feel like that 'fit' breaks down in a few places. This issue may fix itself as you build the recording with more high-quality tracks, but just be aware of it.

You use that pad of oos throughout the song to fill out certain sections. Is that the final instrument for those portions, or just filler for this edit? I'm not opposed to it, but if it's going to stay that way, you might be able to achieve some interesting effects by playing with vowels in those sections.

Good luck with your compositions. You've already made it further than I have with any of my own :)

Steve Ryan Sympathetic Vibrations 2004-2007 • Taal Tadka 2007-2008 Breakdown (Sound Engineer) 2007-current

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Postby GenesisPhreak » Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:30 am

thank you very very much, that actually really does help. the oohs are just that right now, filler, padding call the what you will, /i am still trying to work it all out. Any other thoughts people?
Ahren Okamoto

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Postby MattRyd » Mon Aug 04, 2008 12:54 am

I really like the outro (from 1:45 til the end)... it has the makings of a cool build and a dramatic ending for the song.

I agree with Jesus that you may want to re-evaluate the verse melodies from a "hook" standpoint. Bear in mind that this commentary is coming from someone who writes pop songs, so I tend to listen to music with that sort of mindset. That said, one of the easiest ways for me to rate a song is by my ability to recall the melody after the first listen. Your verse melodies are definitely interesting, but they're also a bit scattered, which makes it difficult for them to "stick" in peoples' minds. That said, the beginning of the second verse "Mother said to grandma..." stuck with me. Maybe expand upon that, or bring a repetition of that melodic phrase into the verse?

A question about the chorus: I'm having trouble pinning down the 'genre' of the song, so I can't tell if it's intentional... but is the chorus supposed to be a "sampled" melody (i.e. an established song's melody with new lyrics -- like that Lil Romeo song did with "I Want You Back" a number of years ago)?

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Postby GenesisPhreak » Wed Aug 06, 2008 9:57 am

thanks for the new input, i appreciate it. As for the sampled chorus, not at all. I wrote it all myself. I like to think my chorus' are the catchy part and my verses the thoughtful parts. The genre is still in question. I want to think of myself as an alternative artist, with a new kind of style, but that could just be wishful thinking. Thanks again.
Ahren
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Postby hisnameisneb » Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:09 pm

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Postby GenesisPhreak » Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:25 pm

im intrigued by this equation. elaborate if you will.
Ahren Okamoto

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Postby phollens » Thu Aug 07, 2008 10:49 pm

I think he's just saying the melody/harmony that I think your going for in your rough mix is extremely close to that of Moondance..... ala :40-:52 etc....in your original piece.

Would be easier if it was tuned to hear if your following the exact same progression... but in one listen I would concur... I don't know about Oliver....

anyhoo, it's always good to sing and express yourself. Keep it up.
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Postby GenesisPhreak » Fri Aug 08, 2008 9:17 am

it could have been a progression running through my head, i performed moondance with my group in high school, so I wont deny that the prgression is there, but not purposely, just was on my mind probably.
Ahren Okamoto

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Postby GenesisPhreak » Fri Aug 08, 2008 9:22 am

oh and I fully admit the similarity, so please no vanilla ice references.
Ahren Okamoto

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